If this were the day that you lost a friend, what would you do?  In the world that my friend and I both lived in, you would write about it.  And somehow make it funny, even if it’s uncomfortable or might not sit well with everyone.  No promises here.

There seems to be an unwritten rule with Canadian comedians. You aren’t appreciated until you leave and then are encouraged and supported to come back.  It’s supposed to make you better, stronger, funnier to have it tough which there is some truth to but rarely do you get a word of encouragement as to your skills, your intelligence, what your mind can create.  Joe Bodolai did the most fantastic switcheroo in being an American infiltrating Canada and offering those words of encouragement, appreciating what it took to do what you did, building people up and establishing an awareness and respect of what Canada was sitting on. He was supremely troubled that he wasn’t able to do more and this industry lost something massive when he moved back to the states.  He knew it.

When conversations are documented for the most part, twitter, facebook, email,  you go back and you comb through them. Try to find clues, signs as you painstakingly go over each response and try and see if anything you said could be construed as something other than it was.  Help.  Love.  Support.  When someone takes their own life they inevitably cut a swath of sadness through those that tried to show by their actions that he wasn’t alone, as much as he’d classified himself as such.  It is profoundly cruel that a mind can filter out such an awareness of the love and appreciation that so many of us had for him.

We spoke of those moments of clarity that you have between half asleep and half awake first thing in the morning.  None of the troubles of the day have crept in and the wonder of the most creative parts in your subconscious that appear when you dream are still present. Code name “Little Eureka’s”.  What a wonderful place to live your life…there….in those little unadulterated moments.  They were too little to make a difference here sadly.  We also spoke about writing what is painful and this is.  I can’t imagine how much time you would have to add to this formula to make this tragedy comedic.

This man was a champion for me, as he was for countless others, and to use his much loved cliched show biz term, “discovered me.”  Many would say that we probably had an affair because how else could a girl comic ever get on a show. I’m not making assumptions, people said it to my face.  It infuriated him how female comics were knocked down a peg each time they stepped up.  It insulted him as the discoverer and me as the discoverienne. My bad for not doing more sooner  with what he kept pointing out that I had but i’ll carry his recent words of encouragement around with me for the rest of my funny years.  I’ll keep going where we left off.  He gave me a gift of great clarity by letting me know that my new track was the right one for me to be on.  I am profoundly grateful that I was able to thank him for that.

I’ve always had a tremendous amount of patience for hearing Father’s talk about their kids. It makes a man such a man to love his kids.  That, in and of itself, is the stuff that sustains life.  I wish that he could have let himself be defined and empowered by that rather than defined and crushed by an industry that feeds fears, doubts and insecurities.  Sure they were fueled by alcoholism but there needs to be matches, not just combustible liquids available.

As much as our recent conversations had threads of regret and disappointment, they were dominated by plans and projects and life changing strategies.  I thought he was better than this. I thought that his brilliance would reign supreme over his troubles.  I was wrong.